The Big Idea
More research confirming that both punishment and reward kill initiative, self-direction, and drive. We all want our kids to show initiative - and we do whatever it takes to let them know we’re serious: take away privileges, pile on privileges, direct, lecture, and yell. But as becomes clear, these techniques have a diminishing effect over time at best, and the opposite effect at worst.
What does work? Connecting our kids to a vision of a future in which they can see themselves taking the lead - and then teaching them how to do it.
In working with parents at our Leadership Development Labs, one of the most common questions parents seek to have answered is "Which is better, punishment or reward? I can't get my kids to do anything without telling them 10 times. Even when I reward/punish them, they won’t do it and it drives me crazy!"
The answer, which is evident when you look at the outcomes, is neither. Both punishment and reward kill initiative, self direction and drive because they are both extrinsic motivators (controls).
What does work? In the workplace, we know that when managers create an environment where everyone understands the short and long term goals and where they feel empowered and in possession of the necessary skills to complete the work required to accomplish the goals, they are three times more likely to report an excellent quality of life and are six times more likely to be engaged in their work. (Marcus Buckingham, Now Discover Your Strengths)
How to Take Action
So how does that translate at home? Research, including our primary research, shows that parents who effectively develop, model and teach leadership skills to create a shared, age appropriate perspective and vision of the future can empower their kids to act with initiative and self direction to take the lead, they’ll do the work for the intrinsic reward of contributing something of value on their way to a future they believe in.
Equipping kids with the skills they need to take the lead in their own lives and work serves them well today and prepares them to engage and lead effectively through school, college, and their future life and career. Plus, it’s more productive, constructive, and enjoyable for us and for our kids - even in the midst of all the hard work and the inevitable challenges.
Find more on how to use 5 best practice leadership principles to create an environment at home where kids can be, become, and contribute their best is at START-Leadership.com and in the Blog Post: Don't Wait to Teach Your Kids the Leadership Skills They Need to Thrive and Prosper